Without Pretending It Doesn’t Sting…
“STOP EMAILING ME. TAKE ME OFF YOUR LIST”
I shrunk in my chair when I opened my email and saw that response. I immediately responded, apologized, and added him to the blocklist.
He wouldn’t be the first. I had received different versions of “don’t email me” in replies that would make you want to run for cover and suck your thumbs.
This is just the sales process when you’re leading outreach for your business.
It used to bug me down so much.
I’d get worried about the low reply rates.
The prospects that replied, then ghosted afterwards. The meetings that get canceled seconds before the scheduled time, while you’re adjusting your hair on the video for a zoom call that will never happen. The post on social media that no one engaged with it. Someone unsubscribing from your mailing list. Great!!!
This, unfortunately, is a typical week for a lot of founders and business owners. But that last email was different.
Right after I apologized for sending him an email, I felt that pinch of bad that makes you think that you are a pest providing zero value. I got over myself, followed my process, and I added him on LinkedIn.
Two days later, I got an email from a company I had never heard of. It was the company of the guy that told me to take him off his list.
“You’ve now been added to So-and-so company’s newsletter”
“What? The audacity of this guy.” I thought. Then I got another email.
“Wait…is this guy trolling me?”
Then it clicked.
He probably automatically added me in because we had exchanged emails with one another. I laughed then I unsubscribed.
While he was yelling “stop emailing me,” my guy on the other side was doing the same, adding me to his list.
I didn’t yell back.
It was a clear lesson: When you’re in business, don’t take things personally.
“Don’t take anything personal.” But how?
We all think people are spending their limited time thinking about us.
We give too much power to these thoughts.
“I shouldn’t post that.”
“They would make fun of me.”
“People like us don’t do things like this.”
Everyone thinks they are part of the royal family, with spectators obsessing about their blessed little monarch. Sorry prince and princess, that’s not the case. Most people are thinking about themselves, not you.
This is a tougher pill to swallow for people, particularly those with strong expertise.
I started my career as an engineer, around older engineers that couldn’t stand fluff. Engineers on my team were almost allergic to sales people. We could hear their unique footsteps as they stomped down the hallway with their quarterly reports. After building an engineering career, learning from other seasoned engineers, the last thing I wanted to do is put things out in the world that are not technically solid or made me seem like one of “those fluffy sales guys.”
But then I became a business owner.
Rude awakening.
I realized business is more of an art than science. There are a lot of failures that lead to success. The journey is laced with breaking down that rigid perception of yourself to find how you can truly serve others.
But before you get there you have to eat humility like it’s the only snack on a 7-hour flight.
And a big part of that humility is your ability to quickly shrug things off.
I wouldn’t sit here and preach to you “don’t take things personal.”
I’m not sure how much that works.
In fact, the second I read the initial email earlier, I took it very personally. It felt like an attack. However, with a few deep breaths, the feeling passed and I could respond with a form of detachment that allowed me to remain professional.
I took a lot of things personally when I started my business. The friends that stopped responding after my first business didn’t really take off as I thought. The former classmates that I texted out of the blue that never responded. The family member that questioned my career direction.
That was year 1 – 3.
I’m in year 9 now, and I realize that rejection is bound to happen. You can’t control how people would respond to you, but you can control how you respond to rejection.
Their rejection might be out of your control.
But your response is in full control.
The only way you get over it is to get through it.
And it all boils down to you getting a rebellious grasp of your untamed ego.
So here’s what I’m experimenting with instead of just trying to ‘not take it personally.’
Reduce entitlement, increase empathy
While I was in my 20s, an engineer, 40-years older than me, introduced me to the concept of non-attachment, through the book, The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle.
Here’s what I learned:
Most times, if you observed your mind, you’d notice it’s either thinking about the past or projecting into the future.
That’s why rejection stings.
The mind holds on to the past insult or rejection, and is replayed in your mind, making you live it over and over again in the present.
A practice that has worked for me is instead of saying, “don’t take it personal.” I ask a deeper question: “Why am I taking this personally?” This reframe then puts the burden back on me to investigate my initial response. This is something I have control over.
Most times when I have done this I realize that it’s linked to two things: a sense of entitlement and a lack of empathy. With that email for instance, the sense of entitlement comes from the fact that I felt entitled to getting only positive responses. Afterwards, I remembered that I’m entitled to no one’s time. The second spurs from a lack of empathy, because I feel like the person on the other side is not currently going through their own struggle.
So when I ask this question
They said you should stop emailing them. “Cool, I’m not entitled to their inbox.”
They never responded to your DM. “Hmmm. I hope they’re not having a bad day.”
They scheduled a call and canceled at the last minute. “I hope they can sort out their emergency.”
Once you do this, you take power back. It brings you back into the present. You can use this present power to focus on things that will build and iterate on your business and growth.
Final thoughts
You can’t avoid rejection.
It is literally part of growth and moving out of your comfort zone. Taking it personal is the immediate response. However, you can develop a practice that reduces the impact. Focus on what you can control and ask “why am I taking this personally?” This is ongoing practice ground work – I’m still learning when my ego gets triggered and how to catch it faster.
P.S. I work with a handful of technical founders and creative entrepreneurs as a fractional growth partner.
I help with positioning, GTM, and execution sprints when you need it. If you’re building something and could use a thought partner who gets both the strategy and the psychology, reply to this email and let’s talk.
